It is amazing to me how I can have such peace and joy during the day and yet still wet my pillow with tears at night. Last night, as I laid in bed, my mind raced back and forth thinking about different friends I have had in my life. So many of them simply came and went. I used to try so desperately to hang onto friends. I wanted to be the kind of person they would love hanging out with, go to movies with, go out and do fun things with and share their hearts with. There would be times when I would act...well....a wee bit fake in order to be someone they would like.
Now, as I seek to serve the Lord and love Him first and foremost in my life, I realize that sometimes that means not being the fake person I tried to be to get my friends to like me. Sometimes, pleasing the Lord is not very pleasing to man. And sometimes, it hurts really bad. My heart was aching as I thought of how different my life would be if I were more like some of these friends. I thought of how frustrating it was to try being there when others are hurting and have no friends there when you are. Suddenly the peace of God just surrounded me and that whisper like voice spoke to my heart saying, "But, I'm here. I was always here. When no one else could feel your pain I always could. My child, am I enough to satisfy your heart?"
I spoke to Him, out loud, just like I would if He were sitting on the bed with me. I cried as if I were crying on His shoulder. Of course He is enough. Though the world may reject and abandon, though they put stick labels on us and turn away, He is ALWAYS there and He has ALWAYS loved me.
I prayed for my friends last night, starting with those that had hurt me most, but it was not a prayer of anger and bitterness. It was a prayer of love and thankfulness, not because I'm such a great friend, but because Jesus is and He placed every word into my mouth.
I fell asleep quietly singing, "What A Friend We Have In Jesus," and I slept ever so peacefully.
"Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He'll take and shield thee;
Thou wilt find a solace there."