Saturday, August 18, 2012
As those of you that frequently visit my blog will notice, I have changed things up a bit. Not only have I changed the design, but really I have changed the whole purpose of this blog. Originally I put together this blog to chronicle some important things about music. I charged head first into it, boldly claiming what I thought to be true about music. Sometimes I cringe at just how pridefully I wrote about certain things. I was so sure that the things I knew and was learning were 100%. But only God is 100% and as I look back I see that so much of what I wrote was simply what I had read or been told. Although this is rather humbling to admit, much of what I wrote was simply for the admiration and applause of those around me. To say that the Lord did not do a work in my heart would be a lie. At that time in my life I worshiped music. I couldn't live without music. Music controlled my emotions and effected me in a huge way. God had to take me through that phase of life so that I could learn to let music go. But I think there were times that I dove a little too deep. I was reading lots of "deep" books on the subject of music, which isn't a bad thing, but I was taking what these books said to be true as my main resource. I wasn't using Scripture as my main guide. I believed in what these authors said rather than believing in God's Word.
One very sweet friend who was a few years older than me wrote this comment early on and I didn't really consider what she was telling me at the time.
She wrote: "I used to be so assured, and confident I knew 'the way', my newsletter was proof of it.
Where I stand now, I know nothing, nothing but Christ crucified, and His love awash in my life, and Word being perfected in my heart. Each day I am learning Who He is, not other people's perspectives and ideas, but His love and conviction spoken in my heart with his quiet voice and His word. It is a difficult but beautiful thing this journey has been..."I thought that she was disagreeing with my opinion at the time. Now, as I have reached this same exact stage of life, I see what she meant.
This wasn't just a problem with music in my life. So much of who I was, what I believed and my actions were based on other people's opinions and ideas. I was believing in men not God. This summer I have had a hard time posting on this blog. Partly because we have been so busy, but mainly because I couldn't write. My heart ached for a deep relationship with God like the kind I had when I was a child. I would live my days like a person clinging to a piece of wood in a stormy sea. My summer wasn't bad! It was just that my heart was so lost and confused that I didn't know what to do. As the last couple of weeks have unwound God has cleared my eyes. He never left me. He didn't stop caring about my life. He didn't take away my purpose. I had wandered from His side. I had stopped caring for His will. I had rejected His purpose.
My flesh battles me daily. Part of me desperately loves God and wants to serve Him with my whole heart, but there is still a sinful part of me that rejects the things of God. I placed man and his opinions of me on a pedestal. Making your faith your own does not mean you have all the right answers memorized. It means being given the answers straight from God above. So much of what I have believed has been what others said and told me to believe.
A couple of weeks ago I hit a rock bottom so to speak. I felt like I was completely alone. I have never been surrounded by loving people and yet felt as lonely as I did at that time. It was then, when none of my friends understood and there was no one to go to that I realized that what I was truly missing was my passion and purpose for God. I have spent so long worrying about what other people thought of me. I put up so many rules and laws for myself that I made God into something far and distant.
I am very blessed to have the parents and family that I have. My Mom was persistent with talking to me about my struggles. When I finally opened up she had the wisdom to understand that this was something that I needed to figure out myself, but the love to pray for me and give what guidance she could.
Changing my blog was almost therapeutic. That may seem strange to some, but I knew I couldn't keep lying to myself. I wanted a blog where I could share my journey of seeking God and His will and His purpose for my life. Not my own, not my friends, not the amazing opinion of the men of God that I admire. God's. That doesn't mean God won't use others, but I need to be a believer in God, not in man.
I still have convictions on music, but I think some of my ideas were wrong. During some of the toughest spiritual battles I went through God used the song below to help remind me of His ultimate purpose for me.
There are some people that would not like it because it is Christian Contemporary, but I can not explain how much God showed me using this song.
I'm still Kaila, but I think it's time for me to focus on being the Kaila that God has designed and created, not the Kaila that others think I should be. You don't have to agree with me. It won't bother me if you "unfollow" me. This blog is just my journey.
May God richly bless you all.