A True Shining Knight

When I was young I loved fairy tales. The thought of being a Princess, trapped in a high tower with a mighty dragon keeping all outsiders away, and having a dashing prince defeating the dragon and rescuing me, seemed like the most idealistic dream ever. The Knight in Shining Armour seemed so perfect until I got older and saw that real life doesn't often present maidens with that set of circumstances. Fairy Tales became more distant and the present reality of life set in. But I won't deny that in the depths of my heart there has always remained a desire to be the kind of maiden that a man would fight for and be willing to risk his life for. This morning as I was reading my devotional and some verses in Song of Solomon, I realized that my fairy tale dream has in fact come true. I was a maiden, though not the nice beautiful maiden you would think a prince would fight for. I was trapped in a high and filthy tower, heavily guarded by the dragon of my own sin. In my miserable state there was no way I could escape. But my Prince not only fought to rescue me, He actually gave His very life to slay that dragon. He gave more than any fairy tale prince EVER did! And He did all that to save a maiden that was not very beautiful, and was rather filthy and vile, because He loved me. He conquered death and turned this filthy being into the beautiful princess that He wanted me to be. He covers me with His wondrous love. Yes, perhaps in my sinful state, there were moments when the dirty tower and the dragon presented some sort of messed up safety. When I was trapped there, I thought my life was my own, but it was only as much my own as the tower was round. I was confined to that room. It seemed like safe freedom until my Prince came. Then I saw the light of true, loving freedom! I saw the mountains and the hills, rivers and seas, the sky, and all of the beautiful lands that surrounded His heavenly kingdom. The love I find in the shadow of my Lord is so much deeper, so much purer, so much more satisfying than that of the dragon. My Prince came for me not because of beauty, purity, or holiness. He came for me because He loved me and I so desperately needed Him even though I didn't even see my need for Him. 

"He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love."

Song of Solomon 2:4

The Love of God

I've been going through the Bible looking up the word love. I want to know what God's love is and what makes His love so much richer and deeper than mans. I've only read about half of the verses that actually have the word love in them, but I've already been very convicted.
I didn't expect to see a big difference between man's love and God's love. Of course, I know they're not the same, but really, isn't love...love? Not really.
I discovered that the verses which talk about man's love show that it is temporary, easily lost, often based on what someone else does for them rather than freely given. Saul used his daughter's and servant's love for David to persuade him to marry his daughter. Delilah used Samson's love for her to aid her in deceiving him. Amnon loved his sister until he had taken what he wanted and then he hated her. Even David in the Psalms would write the he loved the Lord because of something God did for him
However, God's love is unchanging, never ceasing and freely bestowed upon filthy, sinful human beings that have done NOTHING to deserve it. God loved His people even though they continually rejected Him. He sought out their love continually. Even when they turned away from Him, He reckoned with them and pulled them back to Himself, all the while knowing that they would again reject Him. Having a love for someone that great is humanly impossible! We just can't do it. Only God can have a deep, satisfying love that stretches through the depths and width of eternity. If only we would learn to cling to God's love rather than the love of the world.
It is so easy to go looking for love in all the wrong places. Human affection is deceiving and easy to get, but very often it is false and temporary. When we look for love in places other than God's arms, we will be hurt. Because let's face it, not even the best of human beings can love like God can. Even the strongest of Christians will let people down. It's in our sinful nature to do so. But God CAN work miracles in our hearts. He can teach us to love selflessly. And He can love us with the most tender and wonderful love imaginable.

The Eye of a Needle

The rich young ruler came to Jesus looking for eternal life. It took only a few minutes for Jesus to make him realize that he loved the things of the world more than he loved God. The young man could not part with the things of the world. They were his. He wanted them. He depended on them.
Matthew 19:24 says, "And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
I've read this verse a hundred times over and while I always knew it was an important verse, I never truly believed that it applied to me. I mean really, there are many people that are WAY richer than me in this world. Last night however, I was in for a rude awakening as I read the book "Kisses From Katie," a book about a teenage girl that became a missionary in Uganda. She was writing about her return to America after a year in Uganda. The chapter was about her struggles of fitting into her old world, a world where you really don't have to be dependant on God to live. In Uganda, she prayed constantly, she depended on God for everything. However, in America everything is in reach. She always had food and water and everything else she needed.
This opened my eyes to how rich I truly am in worldly goods, and how very much I am like the rich young ruler. That young man was so dependant on his wealth that he could not become dependant on God. In America, in my home, I don't have to depend on God for my food, for water, for clothing, for money. I think of all the times I just ate the food, just took the shower, just bought the frappachino, and suddenly I see how little I truly depend on God. I think of how often I cling to things and don't want to give them up. How foolish! How foolish this rich young man was! How foolish I am! I would rather cling to the material things of the world than cling to my Heavenly Father and Creator.
Right now, I am the rich young ruler. Jesus gave me a choice. Give up the things of the world and follow him, or walk away troubled. I want to follow Christ, like Peter and John and all the other disciples that gave up everything in order to follow the Savior. That's the choice I want to make, but only in the strength of the Lord. With Him and through Him I can let worldly goods and wealth go.

Living a Life of Purpose

Sometimes I question what this life is lived for. What exactly is the point of a sin filled creature like me being on this earth? Each morning I wake up I have a new day to live and new choices to make. So I ask myself what the purpose of it all is. Life is meant to be lived to the glory of God but what does that look like on a day to day basis?

So I decided to see what Scripture said about purpose. I noticed very early on that when the word "purpose" is used in the Bible it is almost always made in reference to someones plan.

I Kings 5:5 is a prime example. It says, "And, behold, I purpose to build an house unto the name of the Lord my God, as the Lord spake unto David my father, saying, Thy son, whom I will set upon thy throne in thy room, he shall build an house unto my name."

To purpose was to plan, it was a goal.

Then I got to Acts 11:23 which hit me like a ton of bricks. 

"Who, when he came, and had seen the grace of God, was glad, and exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord."

It was as if God just shoved this verse at me. I asked myself how often I wake up and "purpose" with all my heart to cleave to the Lord. In the quiet and stillness this morning God showed me that the reason I feel like my life has no real purpose is because I choose not to embrace the purpose. My job is to glorify God in all I say and do, but I have to purpose in my heart each day to do so. 

So, this morning I purposed in my heart to cleave to the Lord. The Lord filled my heart with a peace that I have not deeply felt in a long time. In that moment He gave me a goal and a reason to be on this earth today.

I have purpose. My life isn't just a meaningless blob. It is a beautiful creation that the Lord has made for a reason. Every day that I am alive I can choose to have purpose or I can choose to live meaninglessly. After living both ways I can honestly say there is far more joy in living with purpose.

Something New

As those of you that frequently visit my blog will notice, I have changed things up a bit. Not only have I changed the design, but really I have changed the whole purpose of this blog. Originally I put together this blog to chronicle some important things about music. I charged head first into it, boldly claiming what I thought to be true about music. Sometimes I cringe at just how pridefully I wrote about certain things. I was so sure that the things I knew and was learning were 100%. But only God is 100% and as I look back I see that so much of what I wrote was simply what I had read or been told. Although this is rather humbling to admit, much of what I wrote was simply for the admiration and applause of those around me. To say that the Lord did not do a work in my heart would be a lie. At that time in my life I worshiped music. I couldn't live without music. Music controlled my emotions and effected me in a huge way. God had to take me through that phase of life so that I could learn to let music go. But I think there were times that I dove a little too deep. I was reading lots of "deep" books on the subject of music, which isn't a bad thing, but I was taking what these books said to be true as my main resource. I wasn't using Scripture as my main guide. I believed in what these authors said rather than believing in God's Word.

One very sweet friend who was a few years older than me wrote this comment early on and I didn't really consider what she was telling me at the time.
She wrote: "I used to be so assured, and confident I knew 'the way', my newsletter was proof of it. 
Where I stand now, I know nothing, nothing but Christ crucified, and His love awash in my life, and Word being perfected in my heart. Each day I am learning Who He is, not other people's perspectives and ideas, but His love and conviction spoken in my heart with his quiet voice and His word. It is a difficult but beautiful thing this journey has been..."I thought that she was disagreeing with my opinion at the time. Now, as I have reached this same exact stage of life, I see what she meant.
This wasn't just a problem with music in my life. So much of who I was, what I believed and my actions were based on other people's opinions and ideas. I was believing in men not God. This summer I have had a hard time posting on this blog. Partly because we have been so busy, but mainly because I couldn't write. My heart ached for a deep relationship with God like the kind I had when I was a child. I would live my days like a person clinging to a piece of wood in a stormy sea. My summer wasn't bad! It was just that my heart was so lost and confused that I didn't know what to do. As the last couple of weeks have unwound God has cleared my eyes. He never left me. He didn't stop caring about my life. He didn't take away my purpose. I had wandered from His side. I had stopped caring for His will. I had rejected His purpose.

My flesh battles me daily. Part of me desperately loves God and wants to serve Him with my whole heart, but there is still a sinful part of me that rejects the things of God. I placed man and his opinions of me on a pedestal. Making your faith your own does not mean you have all the right answers memorized. It means being given the answers straight from God above. So much of what I have believed has been what others said and told me to believe.

A couple of weeks ago I hit a rock bottom so to speak. I felt like I was completely alone. I have never been surrounded by loving people and yet felt as lonely as I did at that time. It was then, when none of my friends understood and there was no one to go to that I realized that what I was truly missing was my passion and purpose for God. I have spent so long worrying about what other people thought of me. I put up so many rules and laws for myself that I made God into something far and distant.
I am very blessed to have the parents and family that I have. My Mom was persistent with talking to me about my struggles. When I finally opened up she had the wisdom to understand that this was something that I needed to figure out myself, but the love to pray for me and give what guidance she could.

Changing my blog was almost therapeutic. That may seem strange to some, but I knew I couldn't keep lying to myself. I wanted a blog where I could share my journey of seeking God and His will and His purpose for my life. Not my own, not my friends, not the amazing opinion of the men of God that I admire. God's. That doesn't mean God won't use others, but I need to be a believer in God, not in man.

I still have convictions on music, but I think some of my ideas were wrong. During some of the toughest spiritual battles I went through God used the song below to help remind me of His ultimate purpose for me.
There are some people that would not like it because it is Christian Contemporary, but I can not explain how much God showed me using this song.
I'm still Kaila, but I think it's time for me to focus on being the Kaila that God has designed and created, not the Kaila that others think I should be. You don't have to agree with me. It won't bother me if you "unfollow" me. This blog is just my journey.

May God richly bless you all.

Humbly,
Kaila

New Look

My Blog is getting a new look and a new purpose. Sorry if it looks a little odd for a while. I will explain later.

1000 Words

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I would say this is one of those.

I was writing a blog post for this picture, but I decided that this was one of those things that doesn't need a whole post. It just needs people to look and think for themselves. Look beyond the outside.